Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong