So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.