Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.