Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

New mindset, who dis?

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　 。
　　　 。
　　　.
　　　.
　　　 .
　　　　.
.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

this could fix me

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*