So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
You Might Also Like
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
fly smarter, not harder
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
go easy on yourself <3
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes