So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what