so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
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Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
How much for the goth pool noodles?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me