so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
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This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?