So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
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#Caturday
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?