So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
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What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes