So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
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My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Why are bridges so flammable.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Me when my alarm goes off
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Put the is in disheveled
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.