So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
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How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
respect
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own