Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!

Me: Aw thank y-

4: because you’re round

Me: …

4: and plumpy

Me: go to your room

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think