So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
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Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was