So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
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It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.