Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

That de-escalated quickly

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

when dads have a rap battle

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!