….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
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Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Spring of Deception
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇