….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
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90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.