So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
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They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.