So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
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[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.