So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
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Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.