So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
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I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs