So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
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the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Acronyms got me like WTF?
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021