So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My dad.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.