Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

bias laundering edition

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

Laundry to do list;

□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…