Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

Give us this day our daily internet validation

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Alexa, make me look good naked.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.