So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
