So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’