So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.