Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

a fate I wish upon no one

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet