So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
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2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked