So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
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Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I stand by it
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
the only organized thing in my life is crime
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..