So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
You Might Also Like
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
What.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!