So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My circle of trust is a meatball
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Leftovers are for quitters!
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!