Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.