Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

Going to church you guys need anything

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge