Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

*me, as an uber driver*

oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.