Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

I will never stop laughing at this

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

Isn’t

“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”

– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

this will hang in the louvre one day

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

hate when people ask “why is it called silence of the lambs?” like did you hear any fucking lambs during the movie ??? use your head

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

I have written yet another poem about laundry

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up