So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE