Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

Oops I deleted….

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.