Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

What the dentist sees

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops