so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
this is funnier than any friends episode
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you