so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Canadian owl: Eh?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy