so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
You Might Also Like
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
crying
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what