Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

I triple waxed for this?

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?