Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

Terribly Tuesday.