So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
