So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
