So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
what’s in a name?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
