Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

Bobby pin

Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Never let them know your next move 😂