So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
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in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus