So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.