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“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Cha-ching is my safe word
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?