so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
