so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
You Might Also Like
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
🐶😂
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”