So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Miscakes
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.