So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
