So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
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Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?