Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

[ At the ball ]

Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?

Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.

Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”