Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

I’m confused about plants

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)