Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.