So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do