So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.