So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
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Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this