So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
If I ignore life will it go away?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Goodnight 🐶
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.