So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
SF is the wild wild west man
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.