so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*