So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Guantanamo Bae
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.