Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.