Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen