Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

are they though??

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

April 1st is the class clown of days.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree