So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
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My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you