So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
You Might Also Like
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
termite twitter scares me
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.