So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
You Might Also Like
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
They grow up so quick
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.