so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
New nose
this has done me in for some reason
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman