so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Still a very good boi….