Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

That lamp looks PISSED.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

it’s not been my year

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.