so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet