so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.