so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.