so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
it must be school picture day
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC