so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.