so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie