so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.