so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Legend 🤣🤣
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm