so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
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I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
any last words?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫