Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

There’s only one good girl here!

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.