so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.