Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

this could fix me

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

A collection of me turning into random objects.

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading