So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
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My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]